STILL I haven’t been writing much because for some time I was overcome with doubt and anxiety – an extension, if not a monster, that I’ve let mutate from the date of my last post. I still am going through some questions about myself and all, and I think it’ll be a while until I can truly muster up enough confidence and self-belief to truly proclaim that I am indeed one psychologically or emotionally fine individual.
Since trying to get back on my feet from that one lapse into my fear of failure and inadequacy in mid-June, I’ve delved into many activities that I felt I owed myself. These are also activities that keep me busy from being a slug at home just being a media consumer, and from having too much time that is usually spent going down a rabbit hole of thoughts.
I’m currently seeing someone that I like. What we are remains to be seen. But what I know is that we are mutually in a space of self-improvement, in which we help each other as much as we can. This one fact, I am happy about, because it’s nice to have someone (with care) point out the faults that you are aware of yet do little to improve. If anything, it’s quite motivating to not go through this alone.
But ironically, aloneness is also something that I am learning to appreciate. Though I am dating this guy, it was brought up by him in one of our conversations that I shouldn’t depend on him for my happiness. This is true. It was I guess a turning point for me, for him to make me consider this with thoughtfulness, in which I realized with more help from him that he intended that my fear of loneliness translates into finding my self-worth in other people. This explains why I’m like a chameleon that changes bits and pieces of myself to accommodate and like what my friends / boyfriends liked, in order to keep that false sense of togetherness. In a way, this behavior reminds me of Spirited Away’s No-Face, except not as cute, maybe.
With this realization, I feel like a blank slate:
What do I really like? What activities do I really enjoy doing?
These things, I need to find out by myself. It’s like starting from scratch. Figuring this out made me feel bad for myself for not having my own complete identity that I can really claim as my own. But there’s no use crying over spilled milk, that’s why I’m just forging my way through little by little.
I jot down my to-do list to be more organized. (Not sure if it’s psychological, but I feel this organizes my mind as well.)
I take Spanish classes to feed my desire to be a polyglot.
I join meetup groups for various interests, and interact with complete strangers, to challenge my comfort zone.
And so on.
Though this guy that I’m dating might have pushed the buttons for me to realize and pursue these, I’m glad that I am doing these things without my mind pressuring me to gain affirmation from anyone for my actions. Ultimately, I’m glad that I’m doing these things for myself.