Hello again, after a hiatus of what, 3 months?

To be absolutely straight-to-the-point about it, I was going through a hump of self-doubt about then. As with anyone with a mild self-diagnosed case of anxiety, I spent a decent amount of time questioning my place in the world, how I decide on my actions, also wondering why I think so little of myself or what I’m capable of.

I recently went through something toxic – on a mental and emotional level. It was my ex, but a 2.0 (foreigner) version of him. I don’t know how I could have let déjà vu happen. You’d think I’d wisen up from the first time and not let the same thing happen again, because let’s be honest: I’m intelligent and I should know better. But I didn’t anyway.

We all get a little bit lonely sometimes. And as a classic romantic, I do get susceptible to missing how it is to have someone to love or like – sometimes in an unhealthy way. No matter how much you justify that you’re making more effort than the other in a relationship, you can’t force these things to happen, you know?

Stephen Chbosky once said on The Perks of Being a Wallflower (which many young millennials / Gen Z with a lot of feelings have overused since that movie adaptation came out): We accept the love we think we deserve.

Maybe I’ve never really given it some thought, which is why I’ve been ending up dating subpar guys. These are guys with flaws I would normally frown upon but for some reason accept anyway. As a woman with just a little bit of a self-esteem issue PLUS the fact that my top language of love (to receive) is Words of Affirmation, maybe I’ve accepted this kind of love time and time again as a sort of validation to myself, that I am worth someone’s time. But like a fool, I’m treating love as how it shouldn’t be.

Love shouldn’t solve things for you, and it shouldn’t be an excuse to feel better about yourself.

After dating the wrong guys, I’ve put my foot down and decided that I’m not having any of it anymore. To be honest, at (almost) 27, I might still be young to a lot of people’s eyes, but I’ve grown a little bit tired of the dating scene already. I don’t know how some people can do it often, even having multiple dates at a time. Sure it was fun, meeting new people, being exposed to different cultures. But as an introvert, that’s too much of my energy being expended – and I do want to reserve such energy for good things and people of good relations that I would rather invest my time in.

So, as a mental note to myself, again I am not allowing any more men who are more lost than I am to enter my life. I’ll focus on my own self-preservation, thank you very much. And if there is a person who accepts me for the klutz that I am, and appreciates me and actually wants to polish me into becoming my full brighter potential, then by all means, yes: I will accept such a warm person into my life. In return, I will do my best to do the same, and it’ll just be a smorgasbord of reciprocating good vibes and self-improvement.


5 thoughts on “

  1. I feel you Chi! It happens. I also wonder whether, as you said with feeling a bit lonely sometimes, do we tend to suddenly settle? When we normally frown upon a characteristic and know something is not up to our normal standards, do we find ourselves giving way and justifying it in fear of what, finding ourselves alone again?

    It’s both unnerving and inspiring!

    Is it a comprise for the sake of love and affection or is it disembarking from our idealism? Is feminism and the rise of stronger women destroying a once seemingly effortless search for love by 1) making women more selective, 2) making women think it’s settling when they find partners who may or may not actually be sub par, or 3) making love stronger (that is, when you eventually find love when it’s difficult at this point)?

    In short, nasan na siya?

  2. OMG Remember our Snapchat chika, I felt the same thing again! History repeats itself, akala mo you’re getting wiser pero hindi. haha!!! I can’t explain why, pero Im sure may reason lahat ng nangyayari. hahaha! late reaction but you will be fine Chi ;) May moment din tayo one day

    1. Chi says:

      Ang hirap pag nahanap mo sarili mo in the same situation, or something harder than before. Pero as an adult, wala kang magawa except umahon from it. Hahaha charot. Pero seryoso. Kailangan eh.

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