Well, my room is being renovated to accommodate a Scandinavian-inspired layout (finally, my dream come true!), and my mom decided to stuff all the contents of my bookshelves into one huge box. Topped with hardbound books and yearbooks of mine and my parents, it has become hard for me to look for my journal which she has lumped together there somewhere with all my books.
SO. What am I trying to say?
Normally I write my feelings in my journal. My penmanship looks horrible because my hand cannot keep up with the stream of thoughts and emotions. Anyway, this post is about something that’s been taking over my mind for some time now.
Quarter life crisis.
I’m right smack in the middle of being 25, and I have never been so afraid of where I will be and what I will become in the years ahead of me. It’s like making your way across murky waters with nothing but a thick fog in front of you, and then suddenly your foot gets stuck in a thick glob of mud and underwater plants. That is my life, currently.
I am afraid of uncertainty.
At this age, I look and find people who are just as lost as I am, and then I also see people who have already got it made. These are the people who know what they’re passionate about, what they’re good at – and all they have to do is figure out how to make it marketable for them to survive.
Meanwhile, here I am working in advertising. For some reason I am sure that this is not a career that I want for myself forever. The only sure thing I see for myself, (again, for some reason) is that I want a quiet life with a small family. How I will be able to sustain it without being dependent on a hypothetical future husband, I still have no idea. Right now, I am riddled with hobbies and interests, but nothing that I am confident in pursuing forever as a means of living.
Crochet? Drawing? Learning languages? An interest in cozy apartment decoration? An interest in progressive fashion? I am a jack of all trades, and a master of none.
I came across this post, something about how the most powerful people in the world focus on their one “superpower”, and how they got themselves successful through this awareness. As of late, I’m still trying to figure out what that one superpower of mine is.
My task right now is to figure that one out, then make a skeleton plan as to how to make it profitable. In the next few years, I need to slowly make this vision into a reality, make true of its feasibility and logistics. I’m kind of inclined to peg my deadline for this by the time I’m 30.
Apart from figuring out my career path, there is also the matter of living abroad. I have contemplated on this for some time, but more so after I’ve met Lucas who has introduced me to what it’s like to live in Denmark. How he described the country made me contemplate about how I fit here in Manila. I honestly don’t think I do.
I love the Philippines, I really do. But I don’t think I can really “grow” here in the way that I want. I want to be able to bike to a park. I want to learn a language. I want to converse with people who are of different ethnicities, and learn about their culture. I’m a woman with unorthodox habits and views that are different from the typical Maria Clara, and I want to be someplace where I can be accepted for that. I want to live a life where people do not hover over my every action and think about how my decisions are not “the normal way of things”.
I want to be someplace unfamiliar.
The Philippines is my home, and I have been spoiled by the comfort that comes with it. Manila is gritty and it’s made me to be tough and cautious on the streets, but it’s really the people that brings out the softness of living here. How do you uproot yourself from your small close-knit family, and the extension of it that is your network of close friends? How do you remove them from your physical life in order to make room for strangers in a foreign land? The thought is terrifying and exciting at the same time.
If I ever do pursue it and become successful in moving to a different country (ideally with a career path in the works to help me live), it would be the most daring thing I could ever be proud of doing. No other form of personal satisfaction could top it.
So now, where exactly do I begin?